Same shits- some notes to self

staying home full times with kids

I experienced this pandemic last year, 2020 when my sister called me to come over and stay for two weeks. It happened after Tet. I had stayed in my own space for one week and I kind of liked it. But the kids could not go to school and no one stayed at home with them. The couple is working in the hospital. Just two weeks, I told myself. And it was true. I took a bus back to my place after two weeks to prepare for my trip to Da Lat. The British Council invited me to run a three hour-workshop with participants from creative hubs all over the country. I knew many and had great admiration for their creativity and skills. This experience would be very different from my experience with them when I was a guest speaker to share my work a year before in Da Nang. I was so nervous so did with the organizers about the content of my workshop as well as the preparation of materials. I prepared to be out for this trip for only 6 days. It was a good trip. Even exciting. The creative circle is always a community I feel very inspired and happy to be with. There was so much to learn from them but at the same time, we shared so much shame shit- dreamers, struggling individuals, and anxiety. in the morning when we were about to the airport to go back to Hanoi, the case of the 17th covid patient was all over in social media. together with her, many passengers on her flight had covid. Anxiety was skyrocketed.

My sister urged me to take a bus or even taxi to go to her city- Uong Bi, from the airport. "If you don't, prepare not to go anywhere in your place for a long time. Meanwhile, I still need your help with the kids here". So I took the bus to Uong Bi, from the airport. I was worried. I did not prepare to leave my place which was for insects and dust to cover for a long time- but I did. I stayed in Uong Bi from the 6th of March 2020 until 17th April. Then my other sister who was living in Saigon was about to labor. I had to be there for her two. I lost one ticket because I couldn't get anyone who could drive me out of Uong Bi to Hanoi. All the transportations were cut. Individuals who left Uong Bi/Quang Ninh could not go back without taking a 14 day- quarantine.

After many calls as well as using all her connections, my sister had me on a truck to Hanoi. Me, the driver, and his assistant were sitting all along the way. We were wearing masks. we talked a little. They didn't charge me anything. Just to help my sister and myself. We never knew the faces of each other.

It was the most expensive flight to Saigon in my life. We paid triple for one way ticket.

The covid also charged me a lot physically. No matter we tried to keep ourselves busy and doing some indoor activities, the kids and me gained a lot of weight. I was so frightened when I reached the highest number in my life. But the tensions between us, living in a close space, trying to be productive, the biggest challenge came from within. The lazy self!

( with few newspapers I took from the airplane, I created these 3D collages)

2021- Coming to Uong Bi again when my sister called me. She told me her husband might need to go to Saigon, joins thousands of health workers coming to support when the situation seemed out of control in the South.

I arrived. A few days later Hanoi was locked down. Still being knockdown and I don't know when it is over. Here I am, again. staying at home full time and studying with the kids.

we are different than we were last year. Last year, we focused on creative activities, reading, and writing in Vietnamese. This year, their parents wanted the kids to learn English more. My motivation is low too. I have been struggling with my low mood since early 2021 and no matter I have been doing some work I am proud of myself, I have been feeling so empty and not energetic more often than I did my life.

a nightmare

These days I am living with my sister's family and spending a lot of time with her children and teaching them. The more I spend time teaching the kids, the more I have realized the side of mine that I consider a nightmare. I am actually not much different from my father. I meant the bad ways that I try to avoid, regardless of my education and my critique. I am worse than him and I am not proud of myself. I am also afraid of becoming a person that is even less than the one I used to criticize. I don't want the kids to become like me. The more I tried it hard to make my niece and nephew not become a person like me, I have also realized a similar pattern in them. How could we ever get out of this? So vicious!

a big and haunting hole

feeling a big hole in my life. it is haunting me from time to time. I feel it more recently. I feel that I am dull. Everything is dull. I am scared.

Still have many things that need to be done. Yet, at the same time, I don't feel motivated enough. Everything is not strong enough to hold me, even people who used to (still now) matter to me. what is so wrong with me? I need to gather myself and get out of this very soon. No one can save me.

one of my friends posted this on her FB. A lot of laughs but it is exhausting and painful realities shared by many people, especially moms, and women. My sister and her husband did not have to suffer to stay in the house 24/7 with the kids as they have to work in the hospital. It is my reality. An awful aunt. I fell from the most favorite to the most unwanted aunt. it is ironic as I have been unproductive for two months but I am trying to push the kids to be the opposite. They love tv and computer games and youtube nonsense channels but not learning something interesting. They hate me!

11 sep 2021,

I haven't done exercise for 12 days. Becoming less productive than I have ever been before. Constantly felt shit, guilty, down in the dumps. I have been on the very thin ice. I feel bad yelling at my niece. she might be stressed much more than me. She is very irritating and incorporating. This makes things worst. My impatience does not help at all.

14 sep 2021,

My sister told us that she has received news that she is assigned to go to Hospital 12, Thu Duc district next Monday to replaced her coworkers who have been there for 2 months. How long will she stay? we don't know and we are worried. My niece starts crying. She did not even want to write a sentence abo/ut it when we were doing homework after dinner.

It seems I have to stay here longer, much longer than I expected.

18 Sep,

I have been shutting down from social media for a while. I felt guilty to complain or sharing some small things I have managed to achieve each day. More importantly, I did not want to see and do things so much about the human rights violations under the name of protecting us from the covid. The pandemic seems worse but to me, this violation is the worst. The virus gives them a perfect means to control and put surveillance people on us. It provides a perfect mean to accumulate a lot of money for ones who have tight hands with ones who have the controlling powers